Get.Out.Of.My.Head.

Tonight, I'm going to be reckless. I've decided. I'm going to leave all inhibitions behind. Let go. Stop thinking and just do. I can't do anything about not being wanted. But I can definitely kick off the new year the right way.

And for the first time in a while, I'm not going to be myself tonight. But that's okay. No one likes the real me anyway. Not really.

Fine.

"Taylor. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Seriously Tay, what's going on?"

"Just leave me alone, okay? I'm fine."

Fine. Funny. All I want is comfort. But all I'm doing is isolating myself. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe both.

Yeah. Both.

Let Me Feel You; Carry You Higher

I don't know what's going on in my head. It's like this melancholy feeling. Bittersweet. But as exaggerated as it could possibly be.

On one hand, I'm euphoric. Blissfully happy. As if I've had an epiphany and nothing can stop me. As if I'm finally able to control my own life. Finally good enough.

On the other hand, I feel this constant need to cry. Like right now. I know why. Not like I'm going to tell you. But I know. This lump in my throat that comes without warning. This feeling like I have a huge hole in my chest. And I have no idea what to do with myself at those moments. Cry? Ironically, I haven't until right now. It just...hurts.

But I'm happy at the same time. Like I've discovered something. I'm so confused, I need help...I don't know what to do. My mind always wanders...

And with that comes emotion. That exuberance matched with misery and pain. It makes no sense. What the hell am I supposed to do? Someone tell me please. I'm just so lost.

"If I had my own world...
I'd build you an empire."

Blahhh

I've noticed I'm paranoid.

But sometimes, I think I'm right.

Like now.

It doesn't feel good to be right about this one. Not at all.

ThinkThinkThink

I want to stop.

You frustrate me. No. You piss me off in so many ways it's insane, yet I can't stop thinking about you. This isn't fair. It really isn't. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. I wouldn't have to go through this crap. But I don't know.

I hate this. So much. You're not being fair. I'm not being told anything. I'm so frustrated. So angry. Hurt.

Whatever.

Life is too Hard for Me.

I guess you could say I'm not strong enough, but getting hit with intense pain every single day is a lot to take.

I can't handle it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Magnet for Misery.

Everything I want is always slipping away.

People leave me. Don't want me. Hurt me simply because they can. I'm grasping at air. Nothing I want is ever solid. Nothing I want ever stays with me. Is there something I'm doing wrong? Does some cosmic force in the universe just want me to be tortured?

I feel so lost. So helpless. But I want it so badly. I'd do anything to feel how happy I do in those few moments all the time. Anything.

But I'm grasping at air.
It's all I ever do.

Hold Your Breath.

I'm waiting for the crash. For you to see right through me. Scream, yell, cry, whatever you'll do to show me how much of a fake I am.
But you don't.
Maybe not all secrets are bad.
Maybe, just maybe this will be okay.

God, I hope so. I don't want to lose you.

Just Let Out a Scream

Why do I feel like I did something horribly wrong?
Why do I feel the need to compromise myself in order to make myself happy?
Why do I feel angry, hurt, sad, all the time?

I can be so stupid. I do such stupid things. And I probably will never tell you.

And I am so sorry for that.

Relax. For Once.

Falling.

That's what it feels like.

Like I'm constantly falling. Hearing the wind whoosh around my body. Not even getting the chance to breathe. Do I even remember how? Feeling like my very essence is being left behind; pulled right out of my chest and taken up in the air while I move excruciatingly fast. I'm so scared. Terrified. Panicked. Try to think. Try to calm down. Comfort myself with a single thought.
Wherever I'm going, it has to be better than where I was.

But for now, I'm just...

Falling.

"Hey, come on try a little.
Nothing is forever.
There's got to be something better than
in the middle.
But me and Cinderella,
We put it all together.
We can drive it home..
with one headlight."
-The Wallflowers.

Over It.

Completely and utterly done.
Onto something new.
Different.
Exciting.
Something, someone that reciprocates how I feel.
I truly wish you weren't lying when you said you wanted that for me.

I miss those nights when I could just sit and write for hours about anything but you. I'm starting to find that again. I missed that feeling. Writing for me; no one else.

It's liberating, being free of it all. I never knew it was as simple as just..letting go. And now that I have, I never want to grab back on. You don't want me? I don't, nor will I ever need you. And it feels damn good.

"Here's a letter for you.
But the words get confused,
and the conversation dies.
Apologize for the past,
talk some shit, take it back.
Are we cursed to this life?

Fuck, I can't let this kill me, let go.
I need some more time to fix this problem."
-Blink 182.

Downpour.

Rain washes everything away.
Lets you start over.
No more pain.
Exhaustion.
Anger.
Guilt.
No burdens.
Just cleansing.
Just freedom.
Just liberation.
Just the rhythm of raindrops.
As steady as your heart beating next to mine.

Sweet Disposition.

I had never really thought about it.

Your disposition.

The way you smile at me when I make a sarcastic remark.
The way you can tell when I'm thinking about something.
The way you know when I'm upset, angry; and all you do is kiss my forehead and tell me I'll be okay.
The way you sense when I need your hand to hold.
The way you hold me against you like you never want to let me go.
The way you kiss me, unexpectedly, yet so softly.

I had never really thought about it. And now, I'm almost angry I did.

It makes it that much harder to convince myself this means nothing.

Because in reality, I know it does.

"Never too soon..
Oh reckless abandon,
Like no one's watching you.
A moment, a love;
A dream, a laugh;
A kiss, a cry;
Our rights, our wrongs.
A moment, a love;
A dream, a laugh;
A moment, a love;
A dream, a laugh;
Just stay there.
Cause I'll be comin' over;
While our blood's still young."
-Temper Trap.

I'm the Hero of This Story, I Don't Need to be Saved.

Everything around me
It feels fake
It feels unfair
It feels out of my control
How is that possible?
It's my life
It should be in my control
It is in my control
Maybe I'm simply
Setting the bar too high
Expecting too much
Of myself
Of my life
Of justice
I don't believe in karma
Simply because
The world is not that fair
Nothing is truly fair
In this world
A pessimistic view
To some
But to me
It's the truth
I get upset
About the smallest things
Things that don't
Make sense
Things that
Upset me
Beyond your belief
This life is so difficult
Almost too much for me
But I need to do it
No one can help me
I used to believe that
I receive
What I give
Which is no longer
True
I want it all
I want everything
But I guess
No one's got it all

Tired.

All the time. I'm walking through life in a daze.

Quite honestly, I am so sick of dealing with being everyone's punching bag. Just because I don't fight back and act like a bitch does not give anyone permission to walk all over me.

When I'm right, I'm right. If I have a reason to be upset, I will express my feelings. But I will not say things that I know I will only regret later on. However, that is not an invitation to treat me like a doormat and take out all your anger on me just because you feel like it.

I'm not putting up with it anymore. I will no longer be anyones doormat.

I do refuse to turn into a complete bully whenever I get the slightest suspicion of a threat approaching, however. (You absolutely know who you are.) I refuse to turn into a cold hearted human being just because past experiences had a negative effect on me. And it's truly sad that you have. In fact, we watched a video today in psychology about sociopaths:

"Sociopath (noun): someone who has an antisocial-type personality, pleasure-seeking, remorseless; interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others."

I think that might be a solid way to define you. Not meant to be insulting, although it absolutely sounds that way. You simply have a myriad of sociopathic qualities and tendencies.

Anyway,as you are in the past, it shouldn't matter, but it made me think of you. It's saddening, isn't it?

I just want to move on from this trainwreck my life has become.

Busy, Yet Bored.

Story of my life.

Complete paradox. But hey, is anything ever simple with me?

Ugh. I miss the days of summer.

(Hey you. I miss you too.)

Still haven't sent that letter. It's on my to do list. Like those things will ever get done. Welcome to the complicated life of Taylor.

"I do this from time to time;
Where I can never wake from a bad dream.
I do this from time to time;
When I can never say the things I mean.
I do this from time to time;
Where I like to watch you as you sleep.
I do this from time to time;
Where I like to think of you with me."
-Angels and Airwaves.

Illusions.

Everything seems so perfect
When I'm with you
Talking to you
Laughing with you
Only when we're apart
Do the tears fall
The doubt begins
The pain sets in
As I reflect
On what we are
Together
Who I am
Alone
Am I better without you
But you're not really mine
This dream I'm living in
This safe place
This shelter
Does not exist
I need to step out
Into the storm
Face the thunder
Let you go
Until I realize
The storm
Is only rain

Significance.

As I stare
Silently at the rain
Watching the small drops of water
Falling
Falling quickly
Hitting the ground
The window pane
Bursting into smaller drops
Until they disappear
Into the sea of raindrops
Insignificant
Small
Indistinguishable
In that sea of raindrops
Am I just as
Insignificant
Small
Indistinguishable
In this sea of people
Falling
Falling quickly
Until I hit the ground

I Wrote You a Letter.

I don't know if I'll send it.

It says everything I want to say to you. Everything I can't say when I'm talking to you. Because I don't want to lose you.

The subject we avoid like the plague. The cloud that hangs over my head.

I need to send it.

But will I be able to?

"If you want to call me baby,
just go ahead now.
And if you like to tell me maybe,
just go ahead now.
And if you want to buy me flowers,
just go ahead now.
And if you like to talk for hours,
just go ahead now."
-Spin Doctors.

I Just Want You to Hold Me and Tell Me I'll Be Okay

It's times like these when I start to lose my grip on everything.

I try to be strong, but sometimes I get myself into situations that I can't get out of.

I always try my best to do the right thing; what's best for me and what's best for everyone else. But sometimes, there just isn't a stable compromise.

Things need to change. I need to make a decision.

Is it really wrong for me to want a shoulder to cry on?

Everything feels like it's crumbling. Falling apart around me. I'm trying to pick up the pieces but I'm never fast enough. Never good enough.

My face is painted with a constant air of happiness. How can no one see that I'm not truly happy? That I'm dreading whatever is to come? I hate my life right now. I hate that it's come to this, and I'm mostly to blame.

Whenever I try to do something right, it always turns out wrong. Is my sense of reality totally skewed? I don't think I can take faking it anymore. But what good does wallowing in my own misery do? Nothing.

I need to do what I always do. Suck it up, wait it out, deal with it and move on.

"With every breath that I am worth here on earth..
I'm sending all my love to you.
So if you dare to second guess;
you can rest assured
that all my love's for you."
-Green Day.

My Life is No Longer in My Control.

Everyone else controls it.

Of course I take all blame.

I handed everyone the control. I trust too much. And regardless of what people may think, I secretly hope for the best, and am disappointed every time.

Waiting. So much waiting for everyone to be ready. I'm fine with that, but I at least need communication on what's going through everyone's mind. I'm trying so hard not to lose my sanity, but it's getting more and more difficult every day.

I'm attempting, yet again, to change. Maybe this time, It'll mean something to someone.

"Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep.
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat.
I hope it's gonna make you notice.

Someone like me.

I'm ready now."
-Kings of Leon.

Blowing Bubbles

Remember when you were a kid, and you could not get enough of bubbles?

Simply blow through this magic little wand and out come beautiful floating spheres. We'd watch them, run after them, and try to touch them-
*Pop*

All gone.

Oh well, we can just make some more. Just grab that magic wand and make more little floating wonders.

When I was little, I remember questioning the concept of bubbles. Why didn't they like to be touched? Why was their existence so short lived? What happened after they disappeared?

More than anything, I always wanted to keep one. I wanted the impossible.

I'd sit and just watch my brother and sister play with them for hours, coming up with an intricate and delicate plan to capture one of the beautiful shining wonders.

Every time, I was disappointed. No matter how long I spent trying, my attempts were always unsuccessful.

Maybe it's the same with hope.

"Imagine there's no heaven.
It's easy if you try.
No hell below us;
Above us only sky.
Imagine all the people...
Living for today.

...You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one."
-John Lennon.

Think.

"Why did you dance with me?"
"Because I wanted to."
"You seem to just do what you want, don't you?"

Words, pictures, moments, thoughts.

My head is teeming with them.

One fades, another replaces it.

Some are good, some are bad. All of them about you.

Maybe once I'm asleep, it'll go away. Leave me alone.

Goodnight.

"Haven't had a dream in a long time.
See, the life I've had
can make a good man bad.

So for once in my life,
let me get what I want.
Lord knows it would be the first time."
-The Smiths.

I Cried Today.

I just felt so sad.

I'm not sure there was even a specific reason.

I need guidance, and I can't find it anywhere. Maybe that's a sign that I need to help myself. I've been trying, but as far as I can tell, I'm more lost than ever.

It's times like these where I wish I had faith. I wish God was there for me, to help me through times like this. I wish I believed he was.

Life is too complicated; too intricate a design for me to understand. I simply have to follow where it takes me and try my best to stay afloat.

So many emotions for someone as young as me. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I am an old soul.

So why can't I figure out the simplest things?

"Maybe we're just trying to hard;
When really it's closer than it is too far.

'Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep
up above in my head, instead of going under."
-Sum 41.

Sometimes We Hope for the Best, Even Though It's Impossible.

My life is (500) Days of Summer.

I'm Tom.

And my expectations never align with reality.

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."
-(500) Days of Summer.

Not So Sure

I have been writing less and less because, ironically, blogging has started to seem like more of a chore. This is ironic because blogging was supposed to be my release. Maybe it's because I feel more and more obligated to hide the majority of my life from everyone.

At this point, I just need to get it all out there.

I feel like this 'break' from our friendship will be good for us. I need to learn to prevent myself from feeling resentment towards you for something that happened so long ago. Maybe in time, we'll be able to start over and become close again. Maybe not. Whatever happens, I'm going to let it happen.

As for the second 'break,' I really feel as though your feelings are magnified for some reason, even more than hers, which is strange because it had nothing to do with you. It makes me wonder what connections to your past you're subconsciously making. Either way, I feel the same way towards you.But, again, whatever happens, happens.

And then of course there's you.

I don't know what to do about you. Well, that's a lie. I do know what to do, but I don't want to do it. Not at all. If I let you go, I feel like I'll shatter. But if I don't, I start to believe that this is all I'm worth. I know it's not. I even tried once, but your reaction hurt so much that I couldn't take a night without knowing you were mine, in some sense.

But now, every kiss feels like a curse. Every embrace is feeling more and more fake. This entire thing is a facade. I need more. I'm worth more.

But I can't ask for it, or I'll lose you.

Someone please tell me where to go from here? I need a path that doesn't include pain,but that option isn't there anymore. I want you to want me, nothing more. Why am I never worth it?

"If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs;
I don't wanna feel your pain.
When you swear it's all my fault.
'Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same.

We're the friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood.
But I guess you can't accept that change is good.

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out."
-Paramore.

Hold It.

I'm happy?
Whhhaaattt?! :)

Yup. Happy as can be. Confident, too.

I feel like I can do anything. I can handle school. FINALLY. I feel so relieved.

I feel stable. And confident. It's amazing.

Have I mentioned how much I love this whole new confidence concept? :)

What sucks is that I can't get people back into my life. That's what would make this complete. I keep forgetting you hate me. I'll go to text you, or write on your wall and..whoops I forgot you deleted me..

Oh well. Your loss, I suppose. Or maybe it's mine...How the heck would I know? I'm just a 'stupid sixteen year old girl.' Hah

I'm moving on with my life. And, for once in my life, I'm going to start doing what's best for me. Regardless of what anyone thinks.

When Everything Comes Crashing Down.

I'm so sick of this.

It's like everything I touch, everything I go near, try to repair, help, fix...

It all withers.
Goes sour.
Dies.

No one seems to understand that my intentions are almost never anything but pure. All I want is the simple gratification of a job well done. To finally fix something. To be recognized as the person that helped. Not as the person that destroyed.

It's like some outward force is trying to keep me from being happy.

"Oh no! Taylor has friends! Better take care of that!"
"Uh-oh...Taylor's trying to help someone..Let's make her miserable for that one."

It's like some sort of twisted, backwards karma.
Good and happiness are like pathogens in my world. And the universe sends the immune system on it right away.

I never wanted to lose anyone.

I was just looking out for myself. For once in my life. Look where it got me.

"No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat; we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide..
You have made it harder just to go on.
And why,?
All the possibilities where I was wrong..


That's what you get when you let your heart win.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win."
-Paramore.

This Is New.

I'm writing this at Heather's.

Seems appropriate, as I've been spending so much time here lately.

Things have been really good lately. I've been happy most of the time. It's ten times better than things used to be. I love this feeling. It's so great.

Until recently, happiness was a foreign concept to me. I like it, though.

I don't ever want this summer to end. When it does, this warm feeling will go away, and I don't think I'll be able to live with that. I'm scared for school to come. I'm scared of what will happen. This summer seems like it's a dream, almost.

Oh well. At least it's a wonderful dream.

I'm saying hello to the rest of my life.

"When you smile, I melt inside.
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time.
I really wish it was only me and you.
I'm jealous of everybody in the room.
Please don't look at me with those eyes..
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies.
I dread the thought of our very first kiss;
A Target that I'm probably gonna miss.

Let's go,don't wait, this night's almost over.
Honest, let's make this night last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever."
-Blink 182.

It's Hot, Huh?

Heat waves. Awesome.

I can't sleep, so I figured..I haven't done this in a while.

I'm worried about a lot of things. I think I'm stepping on toes I shouldn't be stepping on. Maybe it'd be best if I just..went away for a while?

I hate that just by being there I cause conflict. Am I not allowed to have friends anymore? It sucks. I just want to be able to do things without having to overthink it every single time.

Suppose I could go away, but.. I kind of just don't want to.

Whatever. I guess whatever happens, happens. Because everything does happen for a reason, right?

Just, sometimes I want it all to go away.

I hate that I'm hurting people. I don't even mean to. At all. It bothers me so much.

I'm stressed about friends, school, money...At least I got a job, though.

Let me be me, for once without having to care who I'm bothering and what I'm doing wrong.

Everything always falls into place eventually, right?

..Right?

"Hey,you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own.
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."
-Jimmy Eat World.

It's Practically Summer.

Wow, it's been a while.

I feel weird writing this. I feel like I've gone through a lot since April 11th. Even though I really haven't.

I'm excited for this summer. It's literally a month away. Things will change. Be different. I know it.

I'll have a job, a car, freedom, new friends, new beginnings.

New conflict? New drama? New heartbreak?

I think it'll be worth it. The anticipation is killing me. I just...I can't wait for the freedom. The adventures, the excitement. I don't think. I know it will be worth it.

I feel more sure of myself than ever.

I like this feeling. And I plan to keep it.

"Splashing through the sand bar, talking by the campfire, it's the simple things in life, like when and where."
-Kid Rock.

I'm a downer?

So today I woke up and I decided that I was going to be productive.

I cleaned my room, did laundry, walked the dog.

I was even planning on going to the gym, too bad it closes at 6:30 on Saturdays.

Even though I was feeling better, more confident, I feel like I slipped a bit.

I started to confide in you. I felt like I could trust you. What do I get?

"Tay, you're being a downer.."

Good to know. Maybe I should just stop telling people about my problems.

Why do I feel so broken? So helpless...Maybe I am. Broken beyond repair. Never going to be good enough.

Throughout my life, I've never been the best. Not the most athletic, smartest, prettiest, skinniest, best at drawing, running, singing, writing...I feel like I'll never be good enough. At anything. Talentless.

It's all catching up to me now. I thought people could be what I'm good at. But apparently I can't even do that right. Apparently I'm more selfish than I'd ever thought anyone could be.

I feel useless. Stuck. Maybe I'll just have to stay here.

"Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny.
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna, and I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind."
-Train.

It's a New Day.

It doesn't really make sense that bad weather makes me happy, but it does for some reason.

That and the fact that I've realized, finally, life goes on. Why dwell on the past when we can be guessing at what the future holds? It's exciting. New.

I can be who I want to. I can do what I want to. Why should I let anyone hold me down? I can walk down the street tomorrow wearing a pirate's costume. Who cares what people think? Does it matter? I need to start doing what I want to simply because I want to, not because I think it'll please someone else.

I feel like dancing, letting my hair down, having all this excitement inside me come out and show everyone, finally, what I can do, what I can achieve.

I feel so relieved. Less concerned, more carefree. Whatever happens, happens.

Less concerned about what you think anymore. I'm doing this for me. I'm changing for me.

If you want me, you can work for it. I'm done putting all of my energy into trying to please you. Time for you to realize that you can't just have me.

This relief from thinking all the time is so great. I want to dance. I wanna sing at the top of my lungs.

I think I will. :)

"I could be brown. I could be blue. I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful. I could be purple. I could be anything you like. Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more. Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door?"
-Mika.

Mistakes.

Everybody makes them, right? Human nature. And we're supposed to learn from them, realize what we did wrong and recalculate our decisions when a similar situation comes.

So why do I keep making the same ones over and over? Am I stupid?

I feel pretty stupid. I feel...disgusting. I am disgusted at myself, at my actions and I am ready to face the consequences.

I do know one thing, though. I need to stop. I need to fix what I've broken. I just hope it's not permanent...

How can I feel so horrible for so long? I just want to lie down. Sleep and never wake up. Why am I so stupid?

I just need to follow the plan that I've set out for me. Become a better person. Because I'm not satisfied with who I am right now. Not at all.

Can I fix this? Or am I too broken?

"Empty reasons for my past. Excuses do not hold. I'm struck with my affliction, an inner perfect storm. Why didn't someone warn me? To save me from myself...The pain is self inflicted, the decisions were my own."
-Kutless.

Good Day, Sunshine.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. Even though I feel as though I'm falling apart. Maybe it'll help keep the pieces together? It's worth a try.

I want to be happy, maybe pretending will help.

I'm so sick of people thinking I just want attention. I didn't just invent these feelings to make you concerned for me. It's not just for your attention...I don't do that. Well maybe I do want attention, but doesn't everyone? Isn't that what we all want? To be loved?

I love today. I love sunshine. I wish it could stay with me always. I wish a lot of things could stay with me always...

I hate that I sound whiny. I hate that everyone in my family but my sister completely disregards me and sees me simply as the go-to girl for taking care of everything. Cooking, cleaning, babysitting, I'm on it.

Too much stress. Not enough sunshine. Be my sunshine?

"We take a walk, the sun is shining down. Burns my feet as they touch the ground."
-The Beatles.

Someone Help Me Out Here?

Is it possible to be so content and so confused at the same time?

I want so much, why am I not willing to work for it?

I really wish people would stop being so vague...I need communication or I go insane. Maybe that's what you want? Well stop. It's driving me crazy.

Summer needs to get here. I want it. This weather feels like it's teasing me. I'm looking forward to so many things. I just need to get through these goals of mine first...

Music is such a good motivator. Then again so is looking in the mirror and seeing just how badly this depression is affecting me. It scares me sometimes. I'm on a new vitamin regiment to help. I hope it does. I'm so tired of being tired all the time. And sad. It drives me crazy, because I am such a naturally happy person, this just doesn't feel right to me. Like I'm wearing someone else's skin, and I just want to get out. How can everyone not see that? Not realize the pain I feel every day? I guess I'm too good of an actress sometimes...

I love my friends. So much. You have no idea what you all mean to me.

So I guess I'm at a turning point. But I need support. Help me?

Also. JUST TALK TO ME. Stop driving me crazy. Please.

Oh, almost forgot. Happy St. Patty's Day. :).

"Come one, come all, you're just in time to witness my first breakdown. 'Cause there's a mile gone for every minute passed when I'm stuck in this town."

-All Time Low.

Time for Change.

So lately I've been changing. Some of the decisions I've made I regret. A lot. So does it make sense that I want to change the way I'm changing?

I have a few goals. I have a plan. The question is, can I do it?

I'm so incredibly afraid. Scared to death to take that first step. What if I fall? What if I can't make it? Will anyone be there to catch me? Will anyone care?

I have told myself before that I'm going to do this. I never did. But I will now. I have to. There's just too much at stake for me right now. I've been so busy thinking up excuses and blaming everyone else that I have wasted too much time. This needs to happen. Now.

I can't wait for summer. Random? That's my thought process. :)

I think this summer will be great. I'm estimating it'll be around 8904286590438584309852.3 times better than last summer. I did a lot of calculating for that number.

I am so tired of thinking. My brain needs to relax. I hope it gets better soon.

"The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. 'Cause I'll dose off safe and soundly, but I miss your arms around me. I'd send a postcard to you, dear. 'Cause darling, I wish you were here."

-Owl City.

New Beginnings

I feel good. Better. Happy.

It's been a while since I've been this genuinely happy. I like it.

I think that the people I've been spending time with have really been helping me to find myself.

Of course my old friends help me as well. And of course I'll always love them too. But I think that spreading out and finding new people, especially these people has helped me to finally begin to figure out who I really am. It's amazing what an impact people can have on you in such a short amount of time.

So this is really a thank you. To everyone I care about and those who care about me.

To my new friends, and my old friends.

This is for everyone and anyone who has ever had an impact on me.

This is for new beginnings.

Riley, Liz, Meg, Bego, Matt, Kya, Case, Rachel, Nick, Michi, Lindsey, Roger, Shannon, Sam, Jenn. Thank you. For everything.

"You make me happy, whether you know it or not. We should be happy, that's what I've said from the start."

-NeverShoutNever!.

Disappointment vs. Hope

It's like a constant battle. Never enough of one. Too much of the other. Never a balance.

Maybe I should stop hoping. Stop looking for the good in others. Give up.

But I can't. I know there is good in all of us and I like to think that if I really try, I can help bring it out for people. I'm expecting too much from myself. I'm expecting too much from others. I can't save everyone...

But if it's someone I care about, shouldn't I want to do whatever I can? It would be so much easier if I could just stop caring; turn off my emotions and take a step back to see if I'm really helping or just hurting them and myself more than I had ever intended. I can be so blind at moments like this.

Someone snap me out of it. I can't change people. I can't be the savior anymore. I've hurt myself enough times trying. So why do I keep doing it?

The feeling of being needed, I suppose. I want it. No. I need it. I need to be needed. And it's causing more destruction than anything at this point.

I'll learn eventually, I suppose. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I always find some reason to do it anyway.

I'll figure it out.

"Are you reeling in the years? Stowing away the time? Are you gathering up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?"

-Steely Dan.

Feeling Better?

Not quite. But I'm getting there

It's vacation. I love vacation. I love sleeping. And I love people. :)

Well, certain people. Some people need to simply change their attitude and I'm sure they'd be much happier.

Things are getting better. I'm less confused and more sure of myself. I may not be completely positive, but I think I can handle the situation without being terrified that I'll do something reckless. Sure, I still might, but I am at least a bit more confident in my ability to handle the situation.

I'm tired. I suppose that is a side affect of staying up till 4 am. Ah, well. At least I was talking to people that make me laugh. :D

Ah, this is great. I'm rather happy. Or at least happier. I feel like doing a cartwheel...That would be a sight.

Anyway. This is a pretty short post, but I haven't written one in a while, so I figured I would.

"You and I have something different, and I'm enjoying it cautiously. I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be."

-A Fine Frenzy

Reckless.

Lately, I've been making...not the best decisions.

If you were on the outside looking in, you might even see me as destroying myself. Quite frankly, at this point I don't care what it looks like from the outside looking in. I'm having a good time for once in my life, and I'm not going to let anyone's petty judgments bring me down.

I can finally clear my head. All those annoying pesky little obsessive thoughts are quieted for a while. It's refreshing.

This day has definitely had its ups and downs, let alone the week.

Overall I feel a bit better. That's good, I suppose. It always helps to have people who care about you. Oh I love you guys.

I never realized how much music can affect my mood. Sad to happy. Happy to silly. Angry to sad. It's incredible. Lately I've been listening to pretty much everything. Of course..there are a few songs I can't get out of my head. I'll quote one at the end. :)

It's good to feel happy. Less stressed. Obviously I'm just putting off feeling all those other emotions. But it's nice to feel this relieved every once in a while.

Oh Owl City. You always manage to make me smile. It's like the lyrics are made just to cheer someone up whose had a bad day.

Speaking of which. Today...was pretty bad. Well not bad. More...sad. My grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I think we all saw it coming, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier. My mom broke down. I tried to console her. I feel so useless sometimes.

Life will never get easier. And it is ever changing. Tomorrow is not the same as today and never will be. This is what I remind myself.

"I am not my own; for I have been made new. Please don't let me go. I desperately need you."

-Owl City.

Lazy.

That's what I am.

If not all the time, especially today. I really didn't want to do anything. Not go to the gym, not even write a new blog post. Blah.

I feel unhappy today. Well more dissatisfied. Not sure why.

I sang for hours on end earlier, when I was home alone. Usually I only do that when I'm happy. Today, I feel like I did it out of pure boredom. I really want to learn how to play guitar; music means a lot to me and I'd love to be able to write my own songs.

So much yearning, so little reward.

Maybe I have to go out and get it. But that would take effort and motivation, two things I am seriously lacking. I wish I had them. More yearning. Gah.

I'm tired all the time. I can't focus. I do simple tasks without thinking, and minutes later I find myself in the middle of doing something I had no idea I'd started. Stupid brain, can't you pull out of your little fantasy world for one day and focus on real life?

Confidence level for the week = approximately 1.4

Sucks. I feel like everything is influencing me, like the world is on my shoulders. I hate hiding things from people. I hate pressure. I hate all these stupid emotions I have no right to feel. Someone just take me away from here?

I guess you could say I was unhappy today. I was. I don't even know why.

That and distracted. What else is new? I need to learn to control my own thought process. This is starting to control me. But don't worry, like everything else in my God forsaken life, I'm working on it.

"Don't lose hope. When it gets darkest, the stars come out."

-Unknown.

Daydreaming.

"Taylor? Hello, Taylor?! Is she even awake?"

Yup, that's me lately. Pretty much all I do. Make up crazy scenarios in my head, willing them to come true. Well. Maybe not crazy. Just the things I want most. I've always done it, but recently, my fantasizing has gotten a lot more...intense. I play them over and over. Not always at the best times...

Like sitting in class. Or at the dinner table.

I think people have started to notice. Actually, I'm sure of it. Kind of hard to miss when you're pretty much sleeping with your eyes open.

This is all so distracting. Gah. I just want to be able to explain to everyone how I feel. And do what I want and not care so much what other people think or say. Sure I may get hurt, but if it's what I want, shouldn't they respect that? I know I'm acting idiotic. It's not like I'm jumping in head first, though. More like sliding in gently. I'll tread water for a bit, and if it doesn't work, I can hop out as quick as I'd like.

That was a terrible metaphor, but you get the picture.

So, today. It was alright. I need to sleep more. I guess having two amps, a box of cookies and a bunch of airheads right before bedtime isn't helping the matter. I did terribly on a French quiz, probably because I was daydreaming the entire time. Oh well.

My happy mood is fading into indifference. I really don't have all that much emotion. Unless I have those daydreams...

This is going to drive me insane. Seriously.

I don't really have all that much to say. As always, thanks to those who care. Especially Liz. You have no idea how much it means to me.

"We've only got 86 400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away; we've gotta tell them that we love them while we've got the chance to say; gotta live like we're dying."

-Kris Allen

Leadership? Right.

So today, instead of school, I got "Makin' it Happen." Sounds riveting, doesn't it?

It actually wasn't bad. Leadership lessons, journaling...blah. But the people? I like 'em. Plus it looks good on a college resume, obviously.

I had fun, though. This is rather shocking, since at the last meetings I was completely antisocial and bored to tears. But today? I scared myself with how outgoing I was.

It was a good distraction. The entire day I went with barely a thought towards the whole thing. I felt...very relieved. Like all the stress of everything was gone. It felt good, but at the same time, afterwards I wished I had been thinking about it. Twisted? That's me, I suppose.

I'm making plans again. I feel really happy these past few days, and I think I'm attracting random people. I like this, like I have a glow about me. Sure, I have my bad moments. And when they're bad, they're really bad. But when I'm happy? I'm absolutely ecstatic. It's a bit random, really. Not a lot to provoke such extreme exuberance. Well, at least I'm happy. I shouldn't question it.

I've gained information about a lot. Everything that's going on was just made ten times more complicated. It makes me want to resist this so much more. At this point...I'm not sure if I can.

For some reason, all I'm after is your approval. Why? Not sure. But I won't feel complete until I have it without question. It's my new obsession. Add it to the list.

I'm cold. Seriously. My house is the North Pole.

Anyway. I seem a lot more chipper today, especially. Weird.

I just wanted to say thanks to all those who have contributed to my especially good mood. This post is starting to get dumb, so I'll be leaving now, happy and oh so confused.

"Into a place where thoughts can bloom, into a place where it's nine in the afternoon. And we know that it could be. And we know that it should."

-Panic! At the Disco

The Ones That Are Worth My While.

Today was a good day.

Maybe because I spent it with people who I know are genuinely interested in what I have to say. It took me out of my head for a while, that was nice.

I'm in the process of creating new friendships. I hope they'll last. They seem to be on the right path, at least. I like talking to them, it makes me feel better about my situation.

I'm still concerned with my obsessive thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about it all. People have said they're concerned for my well being, they're afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I probably am, but at this point, I'm not sure I care anymore. My goals have been set; I won't rest 'till I reach them, no matter how much self destruction I may cause in the process.

I was getting discouraged for a while there. Until tonight, I'd begun losing hope. Perhaps that was a good thing. But then you go and surprise me again, you always seem to be doing that to me.

This relationship is far from healthy. Everyone around me is screaming 'no,' but all I keep telling myself is how right it is. I know it's not. I just wish there was a way you could erase feelings. It would make life a lot easier, wouldn't it?

I need to stop being so impulsive. It's going to cause so many problems for me...

But I can't help what I want, can I?

Either way, this behavior isn't good for me. I just need to work on focusing on something else for a while. School's been doing better, surprisingly, considering all that's been on my mind lately. I've been getting terrible stress headaches, and the knots are back in my shoulders. I sound like I'm a middleaged woman. This isn't normal, is it?

I guess I should start sleeping more, if only I could. My head is so loud sometimes.

It's scary how one little thing can have so much control over you...

One more thing, I wanna say thanks to all those who bother to care about me. (You know who you are.) I keep you always in my thoughts.

"Today is gone, I'm the only light that you see. You need someone, I know all you needed was me."

-All American Rejects.

Let's fill you in.

As a basic summary, In the past few months I've lost a best friend, gained many, become more sure of myself, then less, loved, lost and have begun to move on.

Not too much you've missed...

I'm doing a lot better, confidence-wise. I feel better about myself and don't doubt my actions as much as I used to.

I'm starting to allow myself to divulge in happiness. That, of course, comes with strings attached, doesn't it? I've started to make stupid mistakes and it's beginning to catch up with me. I may be in the middle of one right now.

But hey, if you don't live with risks, what's the point of life, right? Wrong. It hurts. And I'm too naive and selfish for my own good sometimes...I need to start thinking ahead. But right now, I'm all caught up in emotion. That's not good for me. That means a full on spiral into obsession. And that, as I've learned the hard way, pushes people away more than anything.

I just wish this whole situation never existed. I want all these people to never have had any affect on me. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself. But deep down, I know it's the biggest lie I've ever told.

I tend to think too much, and that is one of my biggest problems. That one thought spirals into a million others, and soon it's all that's on my mind, all the time. It's a vicious cycle I go through. Most often it's about getting something I want. Right now, I'm pretty confident I'm going to get what I want. What I'm most worried about is how much it'll hurt once I inevitably lose it.

Life is so complicated. It needs to have a 'simplify' button.

So, that's my update so far. I'm going to end with a quote from now on, because there are just so many that rattle through my brain 24/7.

"Hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."

-Langston Hughes.

It's been a while.

Hey there, long time no see? I've been busy, I suppose. So it's February now, midterms ended a few weeks ago. I'd tell you my grades, but ranking 210 out of 700 is a bit embarrassing for me.

I used to get amazing grades, but now, I don't really try anymore; mainly because I don't really care. I mean, I'm working on it, and I'm getting better. I have my moods. Sometimes I stress intensely over school and getting into college to the point of losing sleep. Other times, I don't even bother to do homework.

Anyway. Back to the story.

It's funny, I don't really remember much from middle school. I guess my brain blocked out some of the more painful memories. I'll just skip to freshman year.

This was a way more enjoyable time for me. Although I was self conscious to the point of crumbling in on myself, it was the first time I'd ever been to public school, and with 700 kids in my freshman class alone, there were way more options for me socially.

There were few cliques, and that was a very foreign concept to me. I had friends in different levels, classes, you name it. I loved the diversity and the fact that I wasn't limited to just one group of people.

I felt a lot more confident. Granted, at the place I was, that didn't mean much, but it at least allowed a little bit of the old me to come back. I was happy most of the time, and at times fearless, and I got into the habit of shocking myself with some of the things I did that I wouldn't dared to have done before.

I grabbed peoples attention, mostly unintentionally, but it seemed to them I was interesting. I was oblivious most of the time, though. I find it rather scary how internal I can be.

This was the year my grades started to fall. I was so engrossed in this new social concept that I wasn't the least bit concerned with anything as petty as grades. My parents noticed. It was funny, though. As soon as I saw a D or a C, I panicked and worked my butt off to bring up the grade, but the second I was in the A or B range, I went back to the bare minimum.

It has improved a lot. I'm learning to balance the social and academic portions of my life.

In the time period there has been, I have a lot to write about, sorry that this was not so detailed, I'm just trying to cover a large time frame.

I'll be back. :)