Not So Sure

I have been writing less and less because, ironically, blogging has started to seem like more of a chore. This is ironic because blogging was supposed to be my release. Maybe it's because I feel more and more obligated to hide the majority of my life from everyone.

At this point, I just need to get it all out there.

I feel like this 'break' from our friendship will be good for us. I need to learn to prevent myself from feeling resentment towards you for something that happened so long ago. Maybe in time, we'll be able to start over and become close again. Maybe not. Whatever happens, I'm going to let it happen.

As for the second 'break,' I really feel as though your feelings are magnified for some reason, even more than hers, which is strange because it had nothing to do with you. It makes me wonder what connections to your past you're subconsciously making. Either way, I feel the same way towards you.But, again, whatever happens, happens.

And then of course there's you.

I don't know what to do about you. Well, that's a lie. I do know what to do, but I don't want to do it. Not at all. If I let you go, I feel like I'll shatter. But if I don't, I start to believe that this is all I'm worth. I know it's not. I even tried once, but your reaction hurt so much that I couldn't take a night without knowing you were mine, in some sense.

But now, every kiss feels like a curse. Every embrace is feeling more and more fake. This entire thing is a facade. I need more. I'm worth more.

But I can't ask for it, or I'll lose you.

Someone please tell me where to go from here? I need a path that doesn't include pain,but that option isn't there anymore. I want you to want me, nothing more. Why am I never worth it?

"If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs;
I don't wanna feel your pain.
When you swear it's all my fault.
'Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same.

We're the friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood.
But I guess you can't accept that change is good.

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out."
-Paramore.