Paradise.

You know when you feel overwhelmed? And you're just kind of frozen? Like you don't know what to do, so you just don't do anything.
It's times like these that I sit and I daydream. I let my thoughts carry me away to a blissfully simple place. A place where no one expects anything of me or judges me or pesters me for things. A place where I am accepted for who I am and I don't have to worry about school or college or money. Paradise.

I hate it when people don't understand me. I mean, maybe it's my fault for not being straightforward enough, but I just get so irritated at times.

I want to escape from my life right now. The weight of the world is just too much for me to withstand. If only I could escape.

"When she was just a girl,
she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach,
so she ran away in her sleep.
Dreamed of paradise;
Every time she closed her eyes."

Just Like a Star Across My Sky.

There are times when I'm not sure how I feel.
It's like the emotion signals firing to my brain are always in extremes, and they are constantly shifting.

Exuberant.
Devastated.
Enraged.
Calm.
Stressed.
Excited.

It's like I can't decide how I feel about anything. And I'm constantly second guessing myself. I don't know what's causing it, but it's an uncomfortable feeling. Like my head is trying to break free of something I have yet to understand. Like something is transforming. Changing.
I don't know if it's for the better. But I hope it is.

Here's To the Greater Things in Life.

It seems like ages ago that I last wrote in this.
A lot has happened. I feel like a new person.

At this moment, I am content. I am dealing with life as it comes to me. I am improving my ability to handle stressful situations. I am striving to improve every single day.

It doesn't feel like autumn, but it's here I suppose.
Leaves are falling. Leaving the trees to free them from the burden they have become. Leaving. I wonder if that's why they're called leaves.
The thing is, they come back. It never fails. Each spring, they return. New, bright, and full of life.

They always come back.

"When the night will begin, the pain it won't end,
Even if she falls in love.
Back, you wanna turn back, your heart will attack,
Even if she falls in love.
Try to look in her eyes, the light is just right,
Even if she falls in love.
And it isn't so bad; it's driving you mad,
Even if she falls in love."

In Summer, the Song Sings Itself.

It hasn't quite set in yet.

Summer.

It feels unreal. Like it should still be thirty degrees outside and snowing, because too little time has passed since the last time it was.
I'm so happy it's finally here.
I love the feeling of the sun all over my skin, kissing me golden; painting my hair the color of the marigolds and sunflowers blooming left and right.
I love dancing barefoot in the hot summer rain in a brightly colored dress, drawing stares from anyone who considers ordinary behavior to be a mandatory ordeal.
I love riding through my neighborhood on my bright red and white bicycle, feeling eight years old again as the warm breeze sings in my ears.

That's what summer is about, isn't it?

Putting everything painful and unhappy behind you. Starting anew.

It brings out the best in me. I feel the only time I am truly at ease is in the months of June, July and August. I feel like the real me.
Squealing as I run barefoot through grass; smiling as I close my eyes and stare at the yellow sun behind my lids; breathing in the sweet smell of the things nature only presents when summer comes along: lilacs, the pavement after it rains, water brought to life only when I disturb its gentle surface.

I love it. All of it. If I could, I would have it be summer all of the time.
Because in the summer, the song sings itself.

Cry, Cry, Baby.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't the way I was.

I wish I was the honors student, the one who had a passion for learning, athletics, volunteering, you name it. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment to everyone around me.

I wish I wasn't such a disappointment to myself.

That's what I sit and think about: The fact that I'm wasting my life. The fact that I'm nothing more than a waste of space. I think of what it would be like if I experienced an 'It's a Wonderful Life' scenario. Most times I don't believe it would be the way it is in the movie. That it would be a sickening prediction of mine come true: I'm not necessary.

I look at my mom, and the stress she's under constantly, how hard she works to please everyone but herself, and no one takes the time to notice. I realize she probably runs through the same scenario herself, and feels almost as hopeless as I do. It makes me sad.

Then there are the times I think:
"Is there even a point to this? I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I don't feel like I mean much. Am I supposed to be doing something? What's the point when I only have a few decades left anyway?"
Those are the times I feel the most hopeless.

It's just like a friend of mine said to me.
"Truth is, very few of us actually make a difference in the world. Most of us will never mean anything to more than a handful of friends and family."

I told that person I was determined to make a difference. That I would prove them wrong. But now, as I think about it...What's the point, really?
What's the point of life?
What's the point of even being here?
What's the point of living?

Emotions Suck.

I wrote this a while ago:
http://www.writesomething.net/you-know-whats-fuckedi-liked-you/1781241.html

I don't even remember writing it.
Emotions are funny that way, aren't they? I was so angry; so overcome with it that I wasn't even controlling my fingers on the keyboard. Not consciously, at least.

Sometimes, I wish I could control my emotions.
I hate that I blush when I'm embarrassed.
I hate that my palms sweat when I'm nervous.
I hate that I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I so much as think that a cute boy is looking at me.
And I hate my anger.

My anger is so unique. I don't throw things, I don't yell. I seethe. I write. I sit there silently, my head feeling like it's about to explode.
Sometimes I feel like that's more dangerous than yelling or throwing things.

Just because something is contained doesn't mean it will stay that way forever.

I Can Only Hate You For So Long.

I've decided there are more important things in life than wasting time being angry. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone. I'm exhausted. So consider this a peace offering.

I still don't trust you. And I still think you're a jerk. But I'm not going to waste time and energy hating you when I can use it to do something else.

Like smile. And move on.

"Things I've felt but I've never said.
You said things that I never said.
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:
You don't know me.
You don't know me at all."

If I Just Lay Here, Would You Lie With Me and Just Forget the World?

The future seems so far away. All the time. Senior year, college. It's all going so fast, though. I get so confused.

I used to think people were my strong suit. I used to think I could understand what they wanted. I'm starting to second guess myself more and more.
Not only that, I'm starting to compromise myself. To please other people. More and more. I hate it. I think one day, I'm going to snap.

Sometimes the weight of the world is too much for me. I'm fed up with getting mediocre grades when I know I can achieve so much more. I'm fed up with people walking all over me just because they can. I'm fed up with not being enough for anyone, including myself. I'm just so fed up.
I want to do something about it, but then it's like I get intimidated by taking the risk. What if I can't do as well as I think I can? What if I try my hardest, and still fail?

It's like this summer at the quarry. Seeing the height of that fall, I was scared as hell. I didn't show it, but I was. But imagining what it would feel like; falling long enough to think about the pure joy I was feeling; it motivated me. I ran. And I jumped. I didn't scream, I didn't even close my eyes. I just smiled. I smiled at the thought of hitting the water. And when I did..well there just aren't words for what I felt.

I just need to take that jump. But first, I want to lie here. Just feel safe for a moment longer. Brace myself for what's to come.

Sometimes, I'm Just Not There.

Ever feel like you're floating through life? Not really there, merely an audience to your own experience. Saying things, but you're not the one speaking the words. Doing things, but you're not the one initiating the action. You're merely a spectator. Like you're sitting in a movie theater, watching your life unfold before you.

It's how I feel. It's how I feel most of the time.

I don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm going to do with my life. I suppose one could say I 'roll with the punches,' but even that isn't true. I seem to seek out the most damaging people and experiences and immerse myself within situations that cause me nothing but harm. I sit back. I'm on autopilot, and I seem to look for only things and people that will hurt me. Disappoint me. Or worse. Leave me.

What's so incredibly frustrating is that I have no idea how to take control. I've been like this for so long, I have no idea where to begin. How does one go from being in the audience to the main character in the film? How does that happen? I want to get out. I don't want to feel trapped anymore. I want to take control. I just don't know how yet.

"Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth."

Life Goes On.

I tend to get lost in my own existence. Time doesn't move in my brain. In my brain I'm living in the past. I need to stop that. I can't bring those times back. I can't.

Time goes on. Life goes on. I'm just jogging to keep up.

I'm frustrated by life. Everything around me. But then I realize.

Life is beautiful. And although life continues to march on, I should stop trying to catch it. I should step outside of myself and enjoy it. Go for long walks. Sing until my lungs give out. Smile.

Because that's what life is about.

Come Fly With Me, Let's Fly Away.

I don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm exhausted. I sleep all day, and I'm exhausted. I read, I write, I sleep. That's my existence as of now.

When I'm asleep, I have amazing dreams. And then, all I want to do is sleep. My dreams are so much better than reality, I just want to live there. Sleep for the rest of my life. Live in my dreams.

There is literally a constant stream of music surrounding me. My iPod, my car, CDs in my room, anything.

It helps me to get lost. Losing myself has become a hobby lately.

I like to pretend Frank Sinatra is singing to me.
I'd like to fly away with him.

I'd like to fly away.

Never Good Enough.

I don't even know if anger is the right word for how I'm feeling.

I'm..
Hurt. Defeated. Inferior.

I keep trying to bring myself up, but I just keep getting pushed back down. I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. Not worth anyone's time or affection. Ever.

I genuinely hope you're happy.

I'm Just So Lost.

I had a dream last night.
I was in the woods. I had no idea where I was. Slowly I began to panic. I screamed until it hurt. I sprinted until my legs gave out. And then I just lay there. I listened to the wind. I felt the dried leaves next to my ears. I stared at the sky. And I closed my eyes. And I was home.

The funny thing is, I wanted nothing more than to go back.

"Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we're floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
you realize that life goes fast;
It's hard to make the good things last.
You realize the sun don't go down;
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round."

Let it Shine.

Remember that song, the one you'd sing in elementary school?

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.

I remember sitting in my fourth grade choir room thinking it was the stupidest thing I'd ever had to do. But now...it doesn't seem so stupid.

My entire life has always been about other people. I always put my trust in everyone, and I am almost always let down. I never realized that the true problem was that I never put any trust in myself. Mostly because I've never really believed in myself. I'm a self-doubting person, and the fact that I rely on everyone else to make me feel better is why I am so devastated every time someone fails to realize that I am great. It takes a lot for me to say that. That simple sentence.
"I am great."
It feels like a lie at first. A very unconvincing lie. But then, I start focusing on the positive, and although it's just little steps for now, I'm realizing more and more that I am great. Anyone who doesn't see it...Well it's their loss I suppose.

It's these moments of revelation that I strive for every day.

I called The Kid's Cafe, and I'm going to start volunteering there. My mom signed me up for voice lessons and I renewed my gym membership. I'm doing these things for me. To make myself better. To feel better. To stop relying on the approval of others.

I'm taking steps. I'm letting my light shine. Slowly but surely, I'm letting it shine.

It's Whatever.

Considering taking this down. I intended it to be a place for me to write down everything. What I was happy about, what was bothering me...Just everything.

But obviously it does nothing but damage.

I know you're probably reading this, but I quite honestly don't give a fuck. Regardless of what you think, what you did to me sucks. It sucks. And you won't even bat another eyelash because in the end, it doesn't affect you. You're getting what you want. All that wanting to be friends bullshit was either out of pity or extremely selfish.

Either way, I don't want to deal with it. At least not now. Because right now I can't even think about it without feeling like I got punched in the stomach. You can't erase feelings. They either fade over a period of time or they were never there to begin with. Unfortunately for me, I just need to wait.

Took down my Facebook again. Probably for a longer period of time now. Deep thinker as I am, it really doesn't help to have that website readily available.

I think I'll just be stupid for a while. Do stupid things. Won't be hard for me.
Because really, no one likes the real me. If they think they do, they don't know me. Because really, the people that claim they care don't. Probably never did. But hey.

It's whatever.

Fury.

I used to think it was just an expression, being blinded by anger. Seeing red. Now I know that it isn't.

I can tolerate a lot. In fact, I do. I rarely don't tolerate everything. But if there is one thing that I absolutely cannot, it's being lied to. Especially by you.

It's extremely difficult for me to focus right now, I'm having trouble spelling because I'm slamming on the keys. I keep having to go back and re-write things. I need to calm down, but right now I just want to do damage. I'm so angry. Infuriated, even. Not only that, but the thoughts are coming in full force; my self-doubt is being magnified to a point that I haven't seen it since middle school.

That makes it so much worse. Rage and pain. Mixed together. I want to punch something. I want to cry. I want to throw my damn computer against a wall.

The sad thing is, I won't. I won't do anything. I won't even say anything. Because you're still important to me. And it sickens me. I sicken myself.

Dancing Alleviates it All.

Oh Matt & Kim. Thank you for cheering me up on a daily basis.

It seems that music is really the only thing that can keep me sane. I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. Which is why it is so insanely irritating that my iPod broke. Now, of all times. Ugh.

Well. Avoiding homework as usual...I'll probably do it tomorrow. Maybe..

I think I need to go for a drive. Blast my new mixes and sing at the top of my lungs. When I do...It feels like everything that has made me so tired, so utterly and completely exhausted, stolen my appetite, and made me sore all over...all of that is lifted. Like with each note, a problem, a negative thought leaves.

Dancing is even better. I love it.

Of course, all of those thoughts come back.
Their effects are crippling. Like an intense pain in my chest, stomach, head.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Fat.
No one likes you.
You try too hard.
Generic.
Ordinary.
You're not going anywhere. Why bother?
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sometimes I literally put my hands to my ears. Break down. As if that'll help.
It doesn't.

But music. No one can take that away from me.

"In the daylight, I don't pick up my phone.
'Cause in the daylight, anywhere feels like home."

Tired.

I'm just so exhausted. Spent. I'm pretty much walking around in a daze. I'm so fed up with this. I needed to find a way to make it go away, but even that's not working. What is this? Why is it affecting me so much? God I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I do things without thinking, because my mind is always somewhere else. Always in that one place. The thinking won't stop.

Make it stop. I'm so tired.