Disappointment vs. Hope

It's like a constant battle. Never enough of one. Too much of the other. Never a balance.

Maybe I should stop hoping. Stop looking for the good in others. Give up.

But I can't. I know there is good in all of us and I like to think that if I really try, I can help bring it out for people. I'm expecting too much from myself. I'm expecting too much from others. I can't save everyone...

But if it's someone I care about, shouldn't I want to do whatever I can? It would be so much easier if I could just stop caring; turn off my emotions and take a step back to see if I'm really helping or just hurting them and myself more than I had ever intended. I can be so blind at moments like this.

Someone snap me out of it. I can't change people. I can't be the savior anymore. I've hurt myself enough times trying. So why do I keep doing it?

The feeling of being needed, I suppose. I want it. No. I need it. I need to be needed. And it's causing more destruction than anything at this point.

I'll learn eventually, I suppose. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I always find some reason to do it anyway.

I'll figure it out.

"Are you reeling in the years? Stowing away the time? Are you gathering up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?"

-Steely Dan.

Feeling Better?

Not quite. But I'm getting there

It's vacation. I love vacation. I love sleeping. And I love people. :)

Well, certain people. Some people need to simply change their attitude and I'm sure they'd be much happier.

Things are getting better. I'm less confused and more sure of myself. I may not be completely positive, but I think I can handle the situation without being terrified that I'll do something reckless. Sure, I still might, but I am at least a bit more confident in my ability to handle the situation.

I'm tired. I suppose that is a side affect of staying up till 4 am. Ah, well. At least I was talking to people that make me laugh. :D

Ah, this is great. I'm rather happy. Or at least happier. I feel like doing a cartwheel...That would be a sight.

Anyway. This is a pretty short post, but I haven't written one in a while, so I figured I would.

"You and I have something different, and I'm enjoying it cautiously. I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be."

-A Fine Frenzy

Reckless.

Lately, I've been making...not the best decisions.

If you were on the outside looking in, you might even see me as destroying myself. Quite frankly, at this point I don't care what it looks like from the outside looking in. I'm having a good time for once in my life, and I'm not going to let anyone's petty judgments bring me down.

I can finally clear my head. All those annoying pesky little obsessive thoughts are quieted for a while. It's refreshing.

This day has definitely had its ups and downs, let alone the week.

Overall I feel a bit better. That's good, I suppose. It always helps to have people who care about you. Oh I love you guys.

I never realized how much music can affect my mood. Sad to happy. Happy to silly. Angry to sad. It's incredible. Lately I've been listening to pretty much everything. Of course..there are a few songs I can't get out of my head. I'll quote one at the end. :)

It's good to feel happy. Less stressed. Obviously I'm just putting off feeling all those other emotions. But it's nice to feel this relieved every once in a while.

Oh Owl City. You always manage to make me smile. It's like the lyrics are made just to cheer someone up whose had a bad day.

Speaking of which. Today...was pretty bad. Well not bad. More...sad. My grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I think we all saw it coming, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier. My mom broke down. I tried to console her. I feel so useless sometimes.

Life will never get easier. And it is ever changing. Tomorrow is not the same as today and never will be. This is what I remind myself.

"I am not my own; for I have been made new. Please don't let me go. I desperately need you."

-Owl City.

Lazy.

That's what I am.

If not all the time, especially today. I really didn't want to do anything. Not go to the gym, not even write a new blog post. Blah.

I feel unhappy today. Well more dissatisfied. Not sure why.

I sang for hours on end earlier, when I was home alone. Usually I only do that when I'm happy. Today, I feel like I did it out of pure boredom. I really want to learn how to play guitar; music means a lot to me and I'd love to be able to write my own songs.

So much yearning, so little reward.

Maybe I have to go out and get it. But that would take effort and motivation, two things I am seriously lacking. I wish I had them. More yearning. Gah.

I'm tired all the time. I can't focus. I do simple tasks without thinking, and minutes later I find myself in the middle of doing something I had no idea I'd started. Stupid brain, can't you pull out of your little fantasy world for one day and focus on real life?

Confidence level for the week = approximately 1.4

Sucks. I feel like everything is influencing me, like the world is on my shoulders. I hate hiding things from people. I hate pressure. I hate all these stupid emotions I have no right to feel. Someone just take me away from here?

I guess you could say I was unhappy today. I was. I don't even know why.

That and distracted. What else is new? I need to learn to control my own thought process. This is starting to control me. But don't worry, like everything else in my God forsaken life, I'm working on it.

"Don't lose hope. When it gets darkest, the stars come out."

-Unknown.

Daydreaming.

"Taylor? Hello, Taylor?! Is she even awake?"

Yup, that's me lately. Pretty much all I do. Make up crazy scenarios in my head, willing them to come true. Well. Maybe not crazy. Just the things I want most. I've always done it, but recently, my fantasizing has gotten a lot more...intense. I play them over and over. Not always at the best times...

Like sitting in class. Or at the dinner table.

I think people have started to notice. Actually, I'm sure of it. Kind of hard to miss when you're pretty much sleeping with your eyes open.

This is all so distracting. Gah. I just want to be able to explain to everyone how I feel. And do what I want and not care so much what other people think or say. Sure I may get hurt, but if it's what I want, shouldn't they respect that? I know I'm acting idiotic. It's not like I'm jumping in head first, though. More like sliding in gently. I'll tread water for a bit, and if it doesn't work, I can hop out as quick as I'd like.

That was a terrible metaphor, but you get the picture.

So, today. It was alright. I need to sleep more. I guess having two amps, a box of cookies and a bunch of airheads right before bedtime isn't helping the matter. I did terribly on a French quiz, probably because I was daydreaming the entire time. Oh well.

My happy mood is fading into indifference. I really don't have all that much emotion. Unless I have those daydreams...

This is going to drive me insane. Seriously.

I don't really have all that much to say. As always, thanks to those who care. Especially Liz. You have no idea how much it means to me.

"We've only got 86 400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away; we've gotta tell them that we love them while we've got the chance to say; gotta live like we're dying."

-Kris Allen

Leadership? Right.

So today, instead of school, I got "Makin' it Happen." Sounds riveting, doesn't it?

It actually wasn't bad. Leadership lessons, journaling...blah. But the people? I like 'em. Plus it looks good on a college resume, obviously.

I had fun, though. This is rather shocking, since at the last meetings I was completely antisocial and bored to tears. But today? I scared myself with how outgoing I was.

It was a good distraction. The entire day I went with barely a thought towards the whole thing. I felt...very relieved. Like all the stress of everything was gone. It felt good, but at the same time, afterwards I wished I had been thinking about it. Twisted? That's me, I suppose.

I'm making plans again. I feel really happy these past few days, and I think I'm attracting random people. I like this, like I have a glow about me. Sure, I have my bad moments. And when they're bad, they're really bad. But when I'm happy? I'm absolutely ecstatic. It's a bit random, really. Not a lot to provoke such extreme exuberance. Well, at least I'm happy. I shouldn't question it.

I've gained information about a lot. Everything that's going on was just made ten times more complicated. It makes me want to resist this so much more. At this point...I'm not sure if I can.

For some reason, all I'm after is your approval. Why? Not sure. But I won't feel complete until I have it without question. It's my new obsession. Add it to the list.

I'm cold. Seriously. My house is the North Pole.

Anyway. I seem a lot more chipper today, especially. Weird.

I just wanted to say thanks to all those who have contributed to my especially good mood. This post is starting to get dumb, so I'll be leaving now, happy and oh so confused.

"Into a place where thoughts can bloom, into a place where it's nine in the afternoon. And we know that it could be. And we know that it should."

-Panic! At the Disco

The Ones That Are Worth My While.

Today was a good day.

Maybe because I spent it with people who I know are genuinely interested in what I have to say. It took me out of my head for a while, that was nice.

I'm in the process of creating new friendships. I hope they'll last. They seem to be on the right path, at least. I like talking to them, it makes me feel better about my situation.

I'm still concerned with my obsessive thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about it all. People have said they're concerned for my well being, they're afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I probably am, but at this point, I'm not sure I care anymore. My goals have been set; I won't rest 'till I reach them, no matter how much self destruction I may cause in the process.

I was getting discouraged for a while there. Until tonight, I'd begun losing hope. Perhaps that was a good thing. But then you go and surprise me again, you always seem to be doing that to me.

This relationship is far from healthy. Everyone around me is screaming 'no,' but all I keep telling myself is how right it is. I know it's not. I just wish there was a way you could erase feelings. It would make life a lot easier, wouldn't it?

I need to stop being so impulsive. It's going to cause so many problems for me...

But I can't help what I want, can I?

Either way, this behavior isn't good for me. I just need to work on focusing on something else for a while. School's been doing better, surprisingly, considering all that's been on my mind lately. I've been getting terrible stress headaches, and the knots are back in my shoulders. I sound like I'm a middleaged woman. This isn't normal, is it?

I guess I should start sleeping more, if only I could. My head is so loud sometimes.

It's scary how one little thing can have so much control over you...

One more thing, I wanna say thanks to all those who bother to care about me. (You know who you are.) I keep you always in my thoughts.

"Today is gone, I'm the only light that you see. You need someone, I know all you needed was me."

-All American Rejects.

Let's fill you in.

As a basic summary, In the past few months I've lost a best friend, gained many, become more sure of myself, then less, loved, lost and have begun to move on.

Not too much you've missed...

I'm doing a lot better, confidence-wise. I feel better about myself and don't doubt my actions as much as I used to.

I'm starting to allow myself to divulge in happiness. That, of course, comes with strings attached, doesn't it? I've started to make stupid mistakes and it's beginning to catch up with me. I may be in the middle of one right now.

But hey, if you don't live with risks, what's the point of life, right? Wrong. It hurts. And I'm too naive and selfish for my own good sometimes...I need to start thinking ahead. But right now, I'm all caught up in emotion. That's not good for me. That means a full on spiral into obsession. And that, as I've learned the hard way, pushes people away more than anything.

I just wish this whole situation never existed. I want all these people to never have had any affect on me. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself. But deep down, I know it's the biggest lie I've ever told.

I tend to think too much, and that is one of my biggest problems. That one thought spirals into a million others, and soon it's all that's on my mind, all the time. It's a vicious cycle I go through. Most often it's about getting something I want. Right now, I'm pretty confident I'm going to get what I want. What I'm most worried about is how much it'll hurt once I inevitably lose it.

Life is so complicated. It needs to have a 'simplify' button.

So, that's my update so far. I'm going to end with a quote from now on, because there are just so many that rattle through my brain 24/7.

"Hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."

-Langston Hughes.

It's been a while.

Hey there, long time no see? I've been busy, I suppose. So it's February now, midterms ended a few weeks ago. I'd tell you my grades, but ranking 210 out of 700 is a bit embarrassing for me.

I used to get amazing grades, but now, I don't really try anymore; mainly because I don't really care. I mean, I'm working on it, and I'm getting better. I have my moods. Sometimes I stress intensely over school and getting into college to the point of losing sleep. Other times, I don't even bother to do homework.

Anyway. Back to the story.

It's funny, I don't really remember much from middle school. I guess my brain blocked out some of the more painful memories. I'll just skip to freshman year.

This was a way more enjoyable time for me. Although I was self conscious to the point of crumbling in on myself, it was the first time I'd ever been to public school, and with 700 kids in my freshman class alone, there were way more options for me socially.

There were few cliques, and that was a very foreign concept to me. I had friends in different levels, classes, you name it. I loved the diversity and the fact that I wasn't limited to just one group of people.

I felt a lot more confident. Granted, at the place I was, that didn't mean much, but it at least allowed a little bit of the old me to come back. I was happy most of the time, and at times fearless, and I got into the habit of shocking myself with some of the things I did that I wouldn't dared to have done before.

I grabbed peoples attention, mostly unintentionally, but it seemed to them I was interesting. I was oblivious most of the time, though. I find it rather scary how internal I can be.

This was the year my grades started to fall. I was so engrossed in this new social concept that I wasn't the least bit concerned with anything as petty as grades. My parents noticed. It was funny, though. As soon as I saw a D or a C, I panicked and worked my butt off to bring up the grade, but the second I was in the A or B range, I went back to the bare minimum.

It has improved a lot. I'm learning to balance the social and academic portions of my life.

In the time period there has been, I have a lot to write about, sorry that this was not so detailed, I'm just trying to cover a large time frame.

I'll be back. :)