Come Fly With Me, Let's Fly Away.

I don't know what to do with myself lately.

I'm exhausted. I sleep all day, and I'm exhausted. I read, I write, I sleep. That's my existence as of now.

When I'm asleep, I have amazing dreams. And then, all I want to do is sleep. My dreams are so much better than reality, I just want to live there. Sleep for the rest of my life. Live in my dreams.

There is literally a constant stream of music surrounding me. My iPod, my car, CDs in my room, anything.

It helps me to get lost. Losing myself has become a hobby lately.

I like to pretend Frank Sinatra is singing to me.
I'd like to fly away with him.

I'd like to fly away.

Never Good Enough.

I don't even know if anger is the right word for how I'm feeling.

I'm..
Hurt. Defeated. Inferior.

I keep trying to bring myself up, but I just keep getting pushed back down. I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. Not worth anyone's time or affection. Ever.

I genuinely hope you're happy.

I'm Just So Lost.

I had a dream last night.
I was in the woods. I had no idea where I was. Slowly I began to panic. I screamed until it hurt. I sprinted until my legs gave out. And then I just lay there. I listened to the wind. I felt the dried leaves next to my ears. I stared at the sky. And I closed my eyes. And I was home.

The funny thing is, I wanted nothing more than to go back.

"Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we're floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
you realize that life goes fast;
It's hard to make the good things last.
You realize the sun don't go down;
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round."

Let it Shine.

Remember that song, the one you'd sing in elementary school?

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.

I remember sitting in my fourth grade choir room thinking it was the stupidest thing I'd ever had to do. But now...it doesn't seem so stupid.

My entire life has always been about other people. I always put my trust in everyone, and I am almost always let down. I never realized that the true problem was that I never put any trust in myself. Mostly because I've never really believed in myself. I'm a self-doubting person, and the fact that I rely on everyone else to make me feel better is why I am so devastated every time someone fails to realize that I am great. It takes a lot for me to say that. That simple sentence.
"I am great."
It feels like a lie at first. A very unconvincing lie. But then, I start focusing on the positive, and although it's just little steps for now, I'm realizing more and more that I am great. Anyone who doesn't see it...Well it's their loss I suppose.

It's these moments of revelation that I strive for every day.

I called The Kid's Cafe, and I'm going to start volunteering there. My mom signed me up for voice lessons and I renewed my gym membership. I'm doing these things for me. To make myself better. To feel better. To stop relying on the approval of others.

I'm taking steps. I'm letting my light shine. Slowly but surely, I'm letting it shine.

It's Whatever.

Considering taking this down. I intended it to be a place for me to write down everything. What I was happy about, what was bothering me...Just everything.

But obviously it does nothing but damage.

I know you're probably reading this, but I quite honestly don't give a fuck. Regardless of what you think, what you did to me sucks. It sucks. And you won't even bat another eyelash because in the end, it doesn't affect you. You're getting what you want. All that wanting to be friends bullshit was either out of pity or extremely selfish.

Either way, I don't want to deal with it. At least not now. Because right now I can't even think about it without feeling like I got punched in the stomach. You can't erase feelings. They either fade over a period of time or they were never there to begin with. Unfortunately for me, I just need to wait.

Took down my Facebook again. Probably for a longer period of time now. Deep thinker as I am, it really doesn't help to have that website readily available.

I think I'll just be stupid for a while. Do stupid things. Won't be hard for me.
Because really, no one likes the real me. If they think they do, they don't know me. Because really, the people that claim they care don't. Probably never did. But hey.

It's whatever.

Fury.

I used to think it was just an expression, being blinded by anger. Seeing red. Now I know that it isn't.

I can tolerate a lot. In fact, I do. I rarely don't tolerate everything. But if there is one thing that I absolutely cannot, it's being lied to. Especially by you.

It's extremely difficult for me to focus right now, I'm having trouble spelling because I'm slamming on the keys. I keep having to go back and re-write things. I need to calm down, but right now I just want to do damage. I'm so angry. Infuriated, even. Not only that, but the thoughts are coming in full force; my self-doubt is being magnified to a point that I haven't seen it since middle school.

That makes it so much worse. Rage and pain. Mixed together. I want to punch something. I want to cry. I want to throw my damn computer against a wall.

The sad thing is, I won't. I won't do anything. I won't even say anything. Because you're still important to me. And it sickens me. I sicken myself.

Dancing Alleviates it All.

Oh Matt & Kim. Thank you for cheering me up on a daily basis.

It seems that music is really the only thing that can keep me sane. I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. Which is why it is so insanely irritating that my iPod broke. Now, of all times. Ugh.

Well. Avoiding homework as usual...I'll probably do it tomorrow. Maybe..

I think I need to go for a drive. Blast my new mixes and sing at the top of my lungs. When I do...It feels like everything that has made me so tired, so utterly and completely exhausted, stolen my appetite, and made me sore all over...all of that is lifted. Like with each note, a problem, a negative thought leaves.

Dancing is even better. I love it.

Of course, all of those thoughts come back.
Their effects are crippling. Like an intense pain in my chest, stomach, head.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Fat.
No one likes you.
You try too hard.
Generic.
Ordinary.
You're not going anywhere. Why bother?
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Sometimes I literally put my hands to my ears. Break down. As if that'll help.
It doesn't.

But music. No one can take that away from me.

"In the daylight, I don't pick up my phone.
'Cause in the daylight, anywhere feels like home."

Tired.

I'm just so exhausted. Spent. I'm pretty much walking around in a daze. I'm so fed up with this. I needed to find a way to make it go away, but even that's not working. What is this? Why is it affecting me so much? God I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I do things without thinking, because my mind is always somewhere else. Always in that one place. The thinking won't stop.

Make it stop. I'm so tired.