I Just Want You to Hold Me and Tell Me I'll Be Okay

It's times like these when I start to lose my grip on everything.

I try to be strong, but sometimes I get myself into situations that I can't get out of.

I always try my best to do the right thing; what's best for me and what's best for everyone else. But sometimes, there just isn't a stable compromise.

Things need to change. I need to make a decision.

Is it really wrong for me to want a shoulder to cry on?

Everything feels like it's crumbling. Falling apart around me. I'm trying to pick up the pieces but I'm never fast enough. Never good enough.

My face is painted with a constant air of happiness. How can no one see that I'm not truly happy? That I'm dreading whatever is to come? I hate my life right now. I hate that it's come to this, and I'm mostly to blame.

Whenever I try to do something right, it always turns out wrong. Is my sense of reality totally skewed? I don't think I can take faking it anymore. But what good does wallowing in my own misery do? Nothing.

I need to do what I always do. Suck it up, wait it out, deal with it and move on.

"With every breath that I am worth here on earth..
I'm sending all my love to you.
So if you dare to second guess;
you can rest assured
that all my love's for you."
-Green Day.

My Life is No Longer in My Control.

Everyone else controls it.

Of course I take all blame.

I handed everyone the control. I trust too much. And regardless of what people may think, I secretly hope for the best, and am disappointed every time.

Waiting. So much waiting for everyone to be ready. I'm fine with that, but I at least need communication on what's going through everyone's mind. I'm trying so hard not to lose my sanity, but it's getting more and more difficult every day.

I'm attempting, yet again, to change. Maybe this time, It'll mean something to someone.

"Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep.
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat.
I hope it's gonna make you notice.

Someone like me.

I'm ready now."
-Kings of Leon.

Blowing Bubbles

Remember when you were a kid, and you could not get enough of bubbles?

Simply blow through this magic little wand and out come beautiful floating spheres. We'd watch them, run after them, and try to touch them-
*Pop*

All gone.

Oh well, we can just make some more. Just grab that magic wand and make more little floating wonders.

When I was little, I remember questioning the concept of bubbles. Why didn't they like to be touched? Why was their existence so short lived? What happened after they disappeared?

More than anything, I always wanted to keep one. I wanted the impossible.

I'd sit and just watch my brother and sister play with them for hours, coming up with an intricate and delicate plan to capture one of the beautiful shining wonders.

Every time, I was disappointed. No matter how long I spent trying, my attempts were always unsuccessful.

Maybe it's the same with hope.

"Imagine there's no heaven.
It's easy if you try.
No hell below us;
Above us only sky.
Imagine all the people...
Living for today.

...You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one."
-John Lennon.

Think.

"Why did you dance with me?"
"Because I wanted to."
"You seem to just do what you want, don't you?"

Words, pictures, moments, thoughts.

My head is teeming with them.

One fades, another replaces it.

Some are good, some are bad. All of them about you.

Maybe once I'm asleep, it'll go away. Leave me alone.

Goodnight.

"Haven't had a dream in a long time.
See, the life I've had
can make a good man bad.

So for once in my life,
let me get what I want.
Lord knows it would be the first time."
-The Smiths.

I Cried Today.

I just felt so sad.

I'm not sure there was even a specific reason.

I need guidance, and I can't find it anywhere. Maybe that's a sign that I need to help myself. I've been trying, but as far as I can tell, I'm more lost than ever.

It's times like these where I wish I had faith. I wish God was there for me, to help me through times like this. I wish I believed he was.

Life is too complicated; too intricate a design for me to understand. I simply have to follow where it takes me and try my best to stay afloat.

So many emotions for someone as young as me. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I am an old soul.

So why can't I figure out the simplest things?

"Maybe we're just trying to hard;
When really it's closer than it is too far.

'Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep
up above in my head, instead of going under."
-Sum 41.

Sometimes We Hope for the Best, Even Though It's Impossible.

My life is (500) Days of Summer.

I'm Tom.

And my expectations never align with reality.

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."
-(500) Days of Summer.

Not So Sure

I have been writing less and less because, ironically, blogging has started to seem like more of a chore. This is ironic because blogging was supposed to be my release. Maybe it's because I feel more and more obligated to hide the majority of my life from everyone.

At this point, I just need to get it all out there.

I feel like this 'break' from our friendship will be good for us. I need to learn to prevent myself from feeling resentment towards you for something that happened so long ago. Maybe in time, we'll be able to start over and become close again. Maybe not. Whatever happens, I'm going to let it happen.

As for the second 'break,' I really feel as though your feelings are magnified for some reason, even more than hers, which is strange because it had nothing to do with you. It makes me wonder what connections to your past you're subconsciously making. Either way, I feel the same way towards you.But, again, whatever happens, happens.

And then of course there's you.

I don't know what to do about you. Well, that's a lie. I do know what to do, but I don't want to do it. Not at all. If I let you go, I feel like I'll shatter. But if I don't, I start to believe that this is all I'm worth. I know it's not. I even tried once, but your reaction hurt so much that I couldn't take a night without knowing you were mine, in some sense.

But now, every kiss feels like a curse. Every embrace is feeling more and more fake. This entire thing is a facade. I need more. I'm worth more.

But I can't ask for it, or I'll lose you.

Someone please tell me where to go from here? I need a path that doesn't include pain,but that option isn't there anymore. I want you to want me, nothing more. Why am I never worth it?

"If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs;
I don't wanna feel your pain.
When you swear it's all my fault.
'Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same.

We're the friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood.
But I guess you can't accept that change is good.

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out."
-Paramore.

Hold It.

I'm happy?
Whhhaaattt?! :)

Yup. Happy as can be. Confident, too.

I feel like I can do anything. I can handle school. FINALLY. I feel so relieved.

I feel stable. And confident. It's amazing.

Have I mentioned how much I love this whole new confidence concept? :)

What sucks is that I can't get people back into my life. That's what would make this complete. I keep forgetting you hate me. I'll go to text you, or write on your wall and..whoops I forgot you deleted me..

Oh well. Your loss, I suppose. Or maybe it's mine...How the heck would I know? I'm just a 'stupid sixteen year old girl.' Hah

I'm moving on with my life. And, for once in my life, I'm going to start doing what's best for me. Regardless of what anyone thinks.