It's a New Day.

It doesn't really make sense that bad weather makes me happy, but it does for some reason.

That and the fact that I've realized, finally, life goes on. Why dwell on the past when we can be guessing at what the future holds? It's exciting. New.

I can be who I want to. I can do what I want to. Why should I let anyone hold me down? I can walk down the street tomorrow wearing a pirate's costume. Who cares what people think? Does it matter? I need to start doing what I want to simply because I want to, not because I think it'll please someone else.

I feel like dancing, letting my hair down, having all this excitement inside me come out and show everyone, finally, what I can do, what I can achieve.

I feel so relieved. Less concerned, more carefree. Whatever happens, happens.

Less concerned about what you think anymore. I'm doing this for me. I'm changing for me.

If you want me, you can work for it. I'm done putting all of my energy into trying to please you. Time for you to realize that you can't just have me.

This relief from thinking all the time is so great. I want to dance. I wanna sing at the top of my lungs.

I think I will. :)

"I could be brown. I could be blue. I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful. I could be purple. I could be anything you like. Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more. Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door?"
-Mika.

Mistakes.

Everybody makes them, right? Human nature. And we're supposed to learn from them, realize what we did wrong and recalculate our decisions when a similar situation comes.

So why do I keep making the same ones over and over? Am I stupid?

I feel pretty stupid. I feel...disgusting. I am disgusted at myself, at my actions and I am ready to face the consequences.

I do know one thing, though. I need to stop. I need to fix what I've broken. I just hope it's not permanent...

How can I feel so horrible for so long? I just want to lie down. Sleep and never wake up. Why am I so stupid?

I just need to follow the plan that I've set out for me. Become a better person. Because I'm not satisfied with who I am right now. Not at all.

Can I fix this? Or am I too broken?

"Empty reasons for my past. Excuses do not hold. I'm struck with my affliction, an inner perfect storm. Why didn't someone warn me? To save me from myself...The pain is self inflicted, the decisions were my own."
-Kutless.

Good Day, Sunshine.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. Even though I feel as though I'm falling apart. Maybe it'll help keep the pieces together? It's worth a try.

I want to be happy, maybe pretending will help.

I'm so sick of people thinking I just want attention. I didn't just invent these feelings to make you concerned for me. It's not just for your attention...I don't do that. Well maybe I do want attention, but doesn't everyone? Isn't that what we all want? To be loved?

I love today. I love sunshine. I wish it could stay with me always. I wish a lot of things could stay with me always...

I hate that I sound whiny. I hate that everyone in my family but my sister completely disregards me and sees me simply as the go-to girl for taking care of everything. Cooking, cleaning, babysitting, I'm on it.

Too much stress. Not enough sunshine. Be my sunshine?

"We take a walk, the sun is shining down. Burns my feet as they touch the ground."
-The Beatles.

Someone Help Me Out Here?

Is it possible to be so content and so confused at the same time?

I want so much, why am I not willing to work for it?

I really wish people would stop being so vague...I need communication or I go insane. Maybe that's what you want? Well stop. It's driving me crazy.

Summer needs to get here. I want it. This weather feels like it's teasing me. I'm looking forward to so many things. I just need to get through these goals of mine first...

Music is such a good motivator. Then again so is looking in the mirror and seeing just how badly this depression is affecting me. It scares me sometimes. I'm on a new vitamin regiment to help. I hope it does. I'm so tired of being tired all the time. And sad. It drives me crazy, because I am such a naturally happy person, this just doesn't feel right to me. Like I'm wearing someone else's skin, and I just want to get out. How can everyone not see that? Not realize the pain I feel every day? I guess I'm too good of an actress sometimes...

I love my friends. So much. You have no idea what you all mean to me.

So I guess I'm at a turning point. But I need support. Help me?

Also. JUST TALK TO ME. Stop driving me crazy. Please.

Oh, almost forgot. Happy St. Patty's Day. :).

"Come one, come all, you're just in time to witness my first breakdown. 'Cause there's a mile gone for every minute passed when I'm stuck in this town."

-All Time Low.

Time for Change.

So lately I've been changing. Some of the decisions I've made I regret. A lot. So does it make sense that I want to change the way I'm changing?

I have a few goals. I have a plan. The question is, can I do it?

I'm so incredibly afraid. Scared to death to take that first step. What if I fall? What if I can't make it? Will anyone be there to catch me? Will anyone care?

I have told myself before that I'm going to do this. I never did. But I will now. I have to. There's just too much at stake for me right now. I've been so busy thinking up excuses and blaming everyone else that I have wasted too much time. This needs to happen. Now.

I can't wait for summer. Random? That's my thought process. :)

I think this summer will be great. I'm estimating it'll be around 8904286590438584309852.3 times better than last summer. I did a lot of calculating for that number.

I am so tired of thinking. My brain needs to relax. I hope it gets better soon.

"The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. 'Cause I'll dose off safe and soundly, but I miss your arms around me. I'd send a postcard to you, dear. 'Cause darling, I wish you were here."

-Owl City.

New Beginnings

I feel good. Better. Happy.

It's been a while since I've been this genuinely happy. I like it.

I think that the people I've been spending time with have really been helping me to find myself.

Of course my old friends help me as well. And of course I'll always love them too. But I think that spreading out and finding new people, especially these people has helped me to finally begin to figure out who I really am. It's amazing what an impact people can have on you in such a short amount of time.

So this is really a thank you. To everyone I care about and those who care about me.

To my new friends, and my old friends.

This is for everyone and anyone who has ever had an impact on me.

This is for new beginnings.

Riley, Liz, Meg, Bego, Matt, Kya, Case, Rachel, Nick, Michi, Lindsey, Roger, Shannon, Sam, Jenn. Thank you. For everything.

"You make me happy, whether you know it or not. We should be happy, that's what I've said from the start."

-NeverShoutNever!.