Sometimes We Hope for the Best, Even Though It's Impossible.

My life is (500) Days of Summer.

I'm Tom.

And my expectations never align with reality.

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."
-(500) Days of Summer.

Not So Sure

I have been writing less and less because, ironically, blogging has started to seem like more of a chore. This is ironic because blogging was supposed to be my release. Maybe it's because I feel more and more obligated to hide the majority of my life from everyone.

At this point, I just need to get it all out there.

I feel like this 'break' from our friendship will be good for us. I need to learn to prevent myself from feeling resentment towards you for something that happened so long ago. Maybe in time, we'll be able to start over and become close again. Maybe not. Whatever happens, I'm going to let it happen.

As for the second 'break,' I really feel as though your feelings are magnified for some reason, even more than hers, which is strange because it had nothing to do with you. It makes me wonder what connections to your past you're subconsciously making. Either way, I feel the same way towards you.But, again, whatever happens, happens.

And then of course there's you.

I don't know what to do about you. Well, that's a lie. I do know what to do, but I don't want to do it. Not at all. If I let you go, I feel like I'll shatter. But if I don't, I start to believe that this is all I'm worth. I know it's not. I even tried once, but your reaction hurt so much that I couldn't take a night without knowing you were mine, in some sense.

But now, every kiss feels like a curse. Every embrace is feeling more and more fake. This entire thing is a facade. I need more. I'm worth more.

But I can't ask for it, or I'll lose you.

Someone please tell me where to go from here? I need a path that doesn't include pain,but that option isn't there anymore. I want you to want me, nothing more. Why am I never worth it?

"If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs;
I don't wanna feel your pain.
When you swear it's all my fault.
'Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same.

We're the friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood.
But I guess you can't accept that change is good.

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out."
-Paramore.

Hold It.

I'm happy?
Whhhaaattt?! :)

Yup. Happy as can be. Confident, too.

I feel like I can do anything. I can handle school. FINALLY. I feel so relieved.

I feel stable. And confident. It's amazing.

Have I mentioned how much I love this whole new confidence concept? :)

What sucks is that I can't get people back into my life. That's what would make this complete. I keep forgetting you hate me. I'll go to text you, or write on your wall and..whoops I forgot you deleted me..

Oh well. Your loss, I suppose. Or maybe it's mine...How the heck would I know? I'm just a 'stupid sixteen year old girl.' Hah

I'm moving on with my life. And, for once in my life, I'm going to start doing what's best for me. Regardless of what anyone thinks.

When Everything Comes Crashing Down.

I'm so sick of this.

It's like everything I touch, everything I go near, try to repair, help, fix...

It all withers.
Goes sour.
Dies.

No one seems to understand that my intentions are almost never anything but pure. All I want is the simple gratification of a job well done. To finally fix something. To be recognized as the person that helped. Not as the person that destroyed.

It's like some outward force is trying to keep me from being happy.

"Oh no! Taylor has friends! Better take care of that!"
"Uh-oh...Taylor's trying to help someone..Let's make her miserable for that one."

It's like some sort of twisted, backwards karma.
Good and happiness are like pathogens in my world. And the universe sends the immune system on it right away.

I never wanted to lose anyone.

I was just looking out for myself. For once in my life. Look where it got me.

"No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat; we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide..
You have made it harder just to go on.
And why,?
All the possibilities where I was wrong..


That's what you get when you let your heart win.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win."
-Paramore.

This Is New.

I'm writing this at Heather's.

Seems appropriate, as I've been spending so much time here lately.

Things have been really good lately. I've been happy most of the time. It's ten times better than things used to be. I love this feeling. It's so great.

Until recently, happiness was a foreign concept to me. I like it, though.

I don't ever want this summer to end. When it does, this warm feeling will go away, and I don't think I'll be able to live with that. I'm scared for school to come. I'm scared of what will happen. This summer seems like it's a dream, almost.

Oh well. At least it's a wonderful dream.

I'm saying hello to the rest of my life.

"When you smile, I melt inside.
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time.
I really wish it was only me and you.
I'm jealous of everybody in the room.
Please don't look at me with those eyes..
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies.
I dread the thought of our very first kiss;
A Target that I'm probably gonna miss.

Let's go,don't wait, this night's almost over.
Honest, let's make this night last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever."
-Blink 182.

It's Hot, Huh?

Heat waves. Awesome.

I can't sleep, so I figured..I haven't done this in a while.

I'm worried about a lot of things. I think I'm stepping on toes I shouldn't be stepping on. Maybe it'd be best if I just..went away for a while?

I hate that just by being there I cause conflict. Am I not allowed to have friends anymore? It sucks. I just want to be able to do things without having to overthink it every single time.

Suppose I could go away, but.. I kind of just don't want to.

Whatever. I guess whatever happens, happens. Because everything does happen for a reason, right?

Just, sometimes I want it all to go away.

I hate that I'm hurting people. I don't even mean to. At all. It bothers me so much.

I'm stressed about friends, school, money...At least I got a job, though.

Let me be me, for once without having to care who I'm bothering and what I'm doing wrong.

Everything always falls into place eventually, right?

..Right?

"Hey,you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own.
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."
-Jimmy Eat World.

It's Practically Summer.

Wow, it's been a while.

I feel weird writing this. I feel like I've gone through a lot since April 11th. Even though I really haven't.

I'm excited for this summer. It's literally a month away. Things will change. Be different. I know it.

I'll have a job, a car, freedom, new friends, new beginnings.

New conflict? New drama? New heartbreak?

I think it'll be worth it. The anticipation is killing me. I just...I can't wait for the freedom. The adventures, the excitement. I don't think. I know it will be worth it.

I feel more sure of myself than ever.

I like this feeling. And I plan to keep it.

"Splashing through the sand bar, talking by the campfire, it's the simple things in life, like when and where."
-Kid Rock.