I Can Only Hate You For So Long.

I've decided there are more important things in life than wasting time being angry. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone. I'm exhausted. So consider this a peace offering.

I still don't trust you. And I still think you're a jerk. But I'm not going to waste time and energy hating you when I can use it to do something else.

Like smile. And move on.

"Things I've felt but I've never said.
You said things that I never said.
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:
You don't know me.
You don't know me at all."

If I Just Lay Here, Would You Lie With Me and Just Forget the World?

The future seems so far away. All the time. Senior year, college. It's all going so fast, though. I get so confused.

I used to think people were my strong suit. I used to think I could understand what they wanted. I'm starting to second guess myself more and more.
Not only that, I'm starting to compromise myself. To please other people. More and more. I hate it. I think one day, I'm going to snap.

Sometimes the weight of the world is too much for me. I'm fed up with getting mediocre grades when I know I can achieve so much more. I'm fed up with people walking all over me just because they can. I'm fed up with not being enough for anyone, including myself. I'm just so fed up.
I want to do something about it, but then it's like I get intimidated by taking the risk. What if I can't do as well as I think I can? What if I try my hardest, and still fail?

It's like this summer at the quarry. Seeing the height of that fall, I was scared as hell. I didn't show it, but I was. But imagining what it would feel like; falling long enough to think about the pure joy I was feeling; it motivated me. I ran. And I jumped. I didn't scream, I didn't even close my eyes. I just smiled. I smiled at the thought of hitting the water. And when I did..well there just aren't words for what I felt.

I just need to take that jump. But first, I want to lie here. Just feel safe for a moment longer. Brace myself for what's to come.

Sometimes, I'm Just Not There.

Ever feel like you're floating through life? Not really there, merely an audience to your own experience. Saying things, but you're not the one speaking the words. Doing things, but you're not the one initiating the action. You're merely a spectator. Like you're sitting in a movie theater, watching your life unfold before you.

It's how I feel. It's how I feel most of the time.

I don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm going to do with my life. I suppose one could say I 'roll with the punches,' but even that isn't true. I seem to seek out the most damaging people and experiences and immerse myself within situations that cause me nothing but harm. I sit back. I'm on autopilot, and I seem to look for only things and people that will hurt me. Disappoint me. Or worse. Leave me.

What's so incredibly frustrating is that I have no idea how to take control. I've been like this for so long, I have no idea where to begin. How does one go from being in the audience to the main character in the film? How does that happen? I want to get out. I don't want to feel trapped anymore. I want to take control. I just don't know how yet.

"Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth."

Life Goes On.

I tend to get lost in my own existence. Time doesn't move in my brain. In my brain I'm living in the past. I need to stop that. I can't bring those times back. I can't.

Time goes on. Life goes on. I'm just jogging to keep up.

I'm frustrated by life. Everything around me. But then I realize.

Life is beautiful. And although life continues to march on, I should stop trying to catch it. I should step outside of myself and enjoy it. Go for long walks. Sing until my lungs give out. Smile.

Because that's what life is about.