Get.Out.Of.My.Head.

Tonight, I'm going to be reckless. I've decided. I'm going to leave all inhibitions behind. Let go. Stop thinking and just do. I can't do anything about not being wanted. But I can definitely kick off the new year the right way.

And for the first time in a while, I'm not going to be myself tonight. But that's okay. No one likes the real me anyway. Not really.

Fine.

"Taylor. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Seriously Tay, what's going on?"

"Just leave me alone, okay? I'm fine."

Fine. Funny. All I want is comfort. But all I'm doing is isolating myself. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe both.

Yeah. Both.

Let Me Feel You; Carry You Higher

I don't know what's going on in my head. It's like this melancholy feeling. Bittersweet. But as exaggerated as it could possibly be.

On one hand, I'm euphoric. Blissfully happy. As if I've had an epiphany and nothing can stop me. As if I'm finally able to control my own life. Finally good enough.

On the other hand, I feel this constant need to cry. Like right now. I know why. Not like I'm going to tell you. But I know. This lump in my throat that comes without warning. This feeling like I have a huge hole in my chest. And I have no idea what to do with myself at those moments. Cry? Ironically, I haven't until right now. It just...hurts.

But I'm happy at the same time. Like I've discovered something. I'm so confused, I need help...I don't know what to do. My mind always wanders...

And with that comes emotion. That exuberance matched with misery and pain. It makes no sense. What the hell am I supposed to do? Someone tell me please. I'm just so lost.

"If I had my own world...
I'd build you an empire."

Blahhh

I've noticed I'm paranoid.

But sometimes, I think I'm right.

Like now.

It doesn't feel good to be right about this one. Not at all.

ThinkThinkThink

I want to stop.

You frustrate me. No. You piss me off in so many ways it's insane, yet I can't stop thinking about you. This isn't fair. It really isn't. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. I wouldn't have to go through this crap. But I don't know.

I hate this. So much. You're not being fair. I'm not being told anything. I'm so frustrated. So angry. Hurt.

Whatever.

Life is too Hard for Me.

I guess you could say I'm not strong enough, but getting hit with intense pain every single day is a lot to take.

I can't handle it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Magnet for Misery.

Everything I want is always slipping away.

People leave me. Don't want me. Hurt me simply because they can. I'm grasping at air. Nothing I want is ever solid. Nothing I want ever stays with me. Is there something I'm doing wrong? Does some cosmic force in the universe just want me to be tortured?

I feel so lost. So helpless. But I want it so badly. I'd do anything to feel how happy I do in those few moments all the time. Anything.

But I'm grasping at air.
It's all I ever do.