I keep taking insanely long periods of time away from this blog. I think it's mostly just because I don't always know what to say.
Lately, that little voice in my head is getting louder. And before you all start calling the men in white suits, I'm not schizophrenic. I'm talking about that voice that is constantly putting me down for not being pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough or motivated enough. That evil voice that creeps in like water through a crack in the ceiling. And over the past few weeks, the crack got bigger and bigger until the entire ceiling just collapsed in on me. I had a breakdown. A really extreme one.
There are no words to explain such a feeling other than suffocation and pain. I could not move or talk. I was more scared than I had ever been in my life and all I wanted was to be happy. To feel warm and excited about something. Anything.
It's so hard having so few people I feel I can talk to. I compare myself to everyone, and although their judgments may not even exist, I feel them. I feel like an impostor in so many aspects of my life that I can barely breathe. I feel unwanted and unloved. There are so many things I wish so many people knew, but at the same time it is this whole charade that keeps me going. If no one knows, I can function. Act normal. Seem normal. Smart. Kind. Funny. But if no one knows, I can't breathe. And I won't be accepted for who I truly am. Because who I truly am is no one special. Who I truly am is selfish and mean and unintelligent. I put so much effort into making people think I'm something I'm not. It leaves so little room for anything else.
I don't know what to do to fix myself. To repair the defects and perfect myself before anyone can see me. I just want to be perfect.
I just want to be happy.
